You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
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