Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
