just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
