I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
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