Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
