My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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