I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
