I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
