Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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