I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
