He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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