First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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