Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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