Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
