God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
