1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
