We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
we made out on top of his cat.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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