Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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