I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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