Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
