when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
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If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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