I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
he told me I talked like a deaf person
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
