at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
