I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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