ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
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