I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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