Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
