Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
