got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
