She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
