In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
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