we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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