I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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