i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
