i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
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