I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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