Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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