I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
