I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
