Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize
