when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
