Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
