Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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