I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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