I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
