I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
