don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
