none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
