piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Randomize
