Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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