i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
