Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
