Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
