God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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