Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
