dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
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we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
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I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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