Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
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