I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
